LAS VEGAS, NV - The joke around the league was that the Week 5 match-up between the Colorado Yeti and the Las Vegas Legion needed to broadcasted as the primetime game of the week.
It was the battle of the cellar dwellers, the NSFL's two 0-4 teams. The game provided opportunity and hope for that crucial first win for one side; however, it meant much more than that.
Logan Noble, the Colorado Yeti's disgraced former franchise quarterback, returned to the NSFL after a two-year hiatus due to numerous suspensions due to cheating, was suiting up in Legion yellow and black to play Nicholas Pierno, the low draft pick that took his spot in S3. The Legion was the team Pierno was hoping to be drafted by in S3, but he's since fallen in love with Colorado and recently signed an extension.
Pierno out-dueled Noble, tossing the game's only touchdown pass and notching a 99.7 passer rating and 21 rushing yards. Pierno, one of the league's more active users on Twitter, fired off this tweet after the game.
Soon after, Noble charged into the locker room: "I'LL HAVE YOU KNO-." He gasped for air as his veins seemed ready to pop out of his forehead as all the journalists' cameras turned his way.
"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, THAT I AM, LIKE, THE COOLEST PERSON IN SASKATOON, CANADA, YOU SON OF A BITCH."
Pierno chuckled back, "Well, I guess I'm the king of Las Vegas tonight, though."
Noble lunged at Pierno, narrowly missing his face before security dragged him out of the Yeti locker room.
"Goodness," muttered the quiet, but wise, Boss Tweed, Pierno's offensive co-captain. "Let's take this dub and get out of here."
Pierno and Andre Bly Jr., the Yeti's young star cornerback, made an objection: "Hey, first win of the year, we might as well enjoy it," Bly said.
The trio grabbed Antonio Sandoval and Haruki Ishigawa and decided they'd take the night out in Vegas, and boy was it a night to remember. The boys were winning at the tables, a few struck luck with the ladies--it was a great team building experience.
Around 3 a.m., things changed. The gang was near the Vegas Eiffel Tower across from the Bellagio, the hotel the team was staying at, after getting out of an Uber XL. When they got it, there stood Noble. Arms crossed, fists clenched.
"I'm Colorado's quarterback," he said.
"I'm the one whose paycheck they sign," Pierno shot back. "That includes the $17 million dollar extension you'll never sniff in your life."
"C'mon man, let's just go," Tweed said.
But Noble wasn't done yet. He pulled a needle out of his pocket and charged after Pierno, desperate to inject Pierno with the illegal TPE that could ruin Pierno's career. Sandoval shoved Noble to the asphalt. After all, it was 5-on-1.
Noble cackled as he laid on the Vegas pavement.
"You think that's all? Idiots! I brought all of ER's multis! BAHAHAHAHA! We just came from a CRAZY house party at my parents' house in Saskatoon!"
Sure enough, there were all the multis, ready to pounce. One of them even held an Ultimus Trophy.
The Yeti gang took off running.
"Ha, I knew investing my legally acquired TPE into speed was worthwhile," Pierno, currently ninth in the NSFL in rushing yards, said.
The multis and Noble began to close in on the Yeti, but soon they all began to stumble to the ground. It turns out that all the multis and Noble had shared a can of Four Loko at the house party and were completely wasted.
The news teams found Noble passed out on the street with the TPE needle. Since he wasn't injected with any, the NSFL found no reason to suspend him again, but it did cause quite the mess for the Legion's public relations staff.
When journalists asked Bly about the incident, he chuckled back: "Just a night out. Just guys being dudes, it's what we do."
Pierno took it a bit more seriously: "Noble is a clown. Every Yeti record of his will be broken. I'm glad that we'll have the chance to play the Legion again later this year in Denver. We'll show that this win was definitely not a fluke. Trust the process."