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speculadora

DSFL GM

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Yesterday at 05:59 pm
There is excited chattering in the courtroom that ceases immediately as the bailiff commands everyone to rise. Here’s a quick run down of the personalities:

The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Judge and expert witness
Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Chief prosecutor, incredible smart witty funny and handsome, master back-stabber
Brian Mills: The defendant, accused of high crimes
Dr. Bovo: Also kinda judge at some points, team doctor, and district attorney for the New Orleans Second Line at various points in the proceedings
Poopyface Tomatonose: Observer turned defendant
AsylumParty: Observer
Ardie Savea: Observer, sleeping at the back of the court most of the time
Julian O'Sullivan: Observer



[1:45 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: the judge is here bois
[1:45 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: and girls
[1:45 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: srry @Julian O'Sullivan i forgot about you
[1:47 PM] Julian O'Sullivan: this trial better be about @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister and his bad treatment of me
[1:47 PM] Dr. Bovo: @Brian Mills hello Payton. You have been accused by one @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes of crimes against NOLA. This heinous crime you have been accused of committing is as such: On March 1, you allegedly predicted that the Yeti would defeat NOLA in a game of simulated football. You may defend yourself, but during the trial you will be restricted from commenting anywhere else in the discord for security reasons. You shall be judged by a jury of your peers. The sentence of conspiracy against NOLA, of course, is death.
[1:48 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: May the prosecution please step to the stand @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes



[1:51 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Thank you, your honor. The charges we bring today are very serious and we do not bring them lightly. Conspiracy against NOLA is perhaps the most heinous of all crimes and we would not bring this suit if we did not have ample evidence and the utmost certainty that the defendant is in fact guilty of this crime. During the trial we will present witnesses who saw the alleged predictions, we will present photographic evidence that the predictions occurred, and we will show beyond all reasonable doubt that the defendant is deserving of that most serious of punishments: trade to Colorado. We will not offer nor accept a plea deal for a lesser punishment, such as death.
[1:52 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: May you please present your evidence
[1:52 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: and call any witnesses you wish to the stand



[1:57 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Certainly, your honor. First we would like to present for the court and enter into evidence this image, Exhibit A, which shows that one "PaytonM34" predicted that the Colorado Yeti would beat the New Orleans Second Line and that this "PaytonM34" is the same "PaytonM34" that is on the roster of the New Orleans Second Line as is in our discord as such. NOLA GM Bovo's predictions are to the right to show where the New Orleans logo should have been in the defendant's image.

[1:58 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Hmmmm... I see
[1:58 PM] Dr. Bovo: GASPS
[1:59 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: As the court can see here in Exhibit A the alleged predictions occurred 5 minutes after NOLA GM Bovo's predictions. This shows malicious intent as the defendant could have simply copied Bovo's predictions but went OUT OF HIS WAY to predict the Yeti.
[2:00 PM] Dr. Bovo: A damning accusation if indeed true
[2:00 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Do the prosecution have anyone to call to the stand?
[2:00 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: The prosecution would like to call one tbone415 to the stand to address a minor clerical error in Exhibit A.
[2:01 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Yo
[2:03 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Mr. bone415 would you please state your full name and occupation for the record, please?
[2:04 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Terrell Bone415, masturbator
[2:04 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Now Mr. Bone415, as you can see here in Exhibit A there is a sentence at the bottom of NOLA GM Bovo's predictions, could you read that aloud for the jury?
[2:06 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: This post has been edited by tbone415 Mar 1, 2018 7:23 PM
[2:07 PM] Dr. Bovo: GASPS
[2:08 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: ORDER
[2:08 PM] Brian Mills: Lmfao I leave for one hour to write an exam
[2:08 PM] Dr. Bovo: THE DEFENDANT MUST NOT SPEAK OUT OF TURN
[2:08 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: And could you please explain for the jury the reason that you edited the post shown in Exhibit A.
[2:09 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: ORDER ORDER ORDER
[2:09 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Yes I can
[2:09 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: I copy and pasted Bovovovo's prediction and accidentally hit "ok" instead of "cancel".
[2:10 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Mhm. So it is your testimony that you did not alter Bovo's predictions at all?
[2:10 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Yes
[2:11 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: So when the defendant [gestures at the subhuman] posted his predictions at 7:14 PM on 1 March 2018 there is no chance that GM Bovo's predictions showed anything other than what they show in Exhibit A?
[2:12 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: That is correct
[2:13 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Your honor I would like to submit Exhibit B to the court at this time. This log of the New Orleans discord channel serves to corroborate Mr. Bone415's testimony.

[2:13 PM] Dr. Bovo: noted
[2:13 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Nothing further, your honor.
[2:13 PM] Dr. Bovo: thank you
[2:14 PM] Dr. Bovo: @Brian Mills , have you prepared a defense?
[2:14 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: May the defense come to the stand!
[2:15 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: With or without one
[2:15 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Brian Mills
[2:16 PM] AsylumParty: crinkling chip bag from lone member of the audience
[2:16 PM] Brian Mills: Shit I'm driving, request for a 30 min recess
[2:16 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Approved


[2:37 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Julian O'Sullivan while we wait do you have anything to say?



[2:49 PM] Brian Mills: what the fack theres no S6 season index
[2:49 PM] Dr. Bovo: http://www.nsfl.wtgbear.com/NSFLS6/Index.html
[2:51 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: Suspect appears to be intoxicated. Was unable to access previous index which can be accessed by changing a single character in the URL. Please make note of this in the official record(edited)
[2:51 PM] Dr. Bovo: scribbles something on parchment



[2:55 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Brian Mills please share your defense
[2:57 PM] Brian Mills: Your honour. What happened on March 01 2018 was completely due to the fact that I was under medical review for a concussion suffered from the previous week. In Week 5 , in an away game against the Philadelphia Liberty, I had been taken out of the game for concussion protocol midway through the third quarter, after a tackle made on the runningback, seen here
[2:57 PM] Brian Mills:

[2:57 PM] Brian Mills: Note the time of the incident occurred at 8:09 in the third quarter
[2:58 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: So stipulated
[2:58 PM] Brian Mills: OBJECTION
[2:59 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: COUNTER OBJECTION: THE PROSECUTION WAS AGREEING TO THE FACT YOU ENTERED INTO EVIDENCE
[3:00 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Order
[3:00 PM] Brian Mills: Now, the medical protocol for a concussion was broken by the team doctor, on the orders of the team coach, and I was needlessly thrown back into the game at the last second, due to a need for subsitutions. On the last play of the game, I met the runner head on, further attributing to the concussion(edited)
[3:00 PM] Brian Mills:

[3:02 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Do you have your medical paperwork?
[3:02 PM] Brian Mills: Now, it was the following week that I had made those erroneous game picks, and it stemmed from the fact that the team doctor was negligent
[3:02 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes do you have anything to say?
[3:02 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Also do you have your medical paperwork Payton?
[3:03 PM] Brian Mills:

[3:04 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Hmmm I see
[3:04 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Please hand them to the prosecution
[3:04 PM] Brian Mills: @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes here you go sir
[3:04 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes what do you make of them?
[3:05 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: I have no reason to doubt their authenticity, your honor. They appear to be real and accurate.
[3:05 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: I have a question for the defendant
[3:06 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Why did you not receive a second opinion? Also all your other game picks seemed fine.
[3:07 PM] Brian Mills: I was under impression that the team doctor was trustworthy and was faithful to his players and his players health
[3:08 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Why were your other game picks fine?
[3:09 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: I am testifying here as an expert in handwriting. The handwriting seen on Mr. Mills' note submitted at 3:03 PM on 4/25/18 does, in fact, match the handwriting that you would expect one in the medical profession to exhibit
[3:09 PM] Dr. Bovo: HOW DARE YOU SLANDER ME THIS WAY! OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!
[3:10 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Approved
[3:10 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: Now Payton answer
[3:12 PM] Brian Mills: @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister your honour, the other game picks were picked just as badly as the Colorado Yeti prediction. In fact, due to the concussion, I went 0-4 on predictions in that week
[3:12 PM] Brian Mills:

[3:13 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: But if you had simply copied bovo you would have gone 1/4
[3:13 PM] Brian Mills:

[3:14 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: scribbles intensely and roots through briefcase
[3:14 PM] Brian Mills: That is correct your honour. But under the state of the concussion, I was not mentally able to predict the winners accurately, regardless of Bovo's selections
[3:14 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Objection, I have here evidence that contradicts that testimony.




[3:15 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: I would like to enter a piece of evidence into the record. One that, if true, will be big.
[3:15 PM] Brian Mills: :eyes:
[3:16 PM] Dr. Bovo: movement granted, please proceed
[3:17 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: That very same day, our own fearless leader Borkus Maximus III [REDACTED DUE TO NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS]
[3:17 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: GASP
[3:17 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: :rage:
[3:18 PM] Dr. Bovo: GASPING INTENSIFIES
[3:18 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: OBJECTION
[3:18 PM] Brian Mills: BAH GAHD
[3:19 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: THIS INTERLOPER IS SUBMITTING FALSE AND DISGUSTING NEWS TO LAY THE FOUNDATION FOR HIS OWN IMPENDING TRIAL

[3:19 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: THE PROSECUTION IS CORRUPT
[3:19 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: I move that his outburst be stricken from the record and the erroneous evidence he has submitted be ruled false
[3:20 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: HE IS ATTEMPTING TO DISMANTLE THE TEAM BRAINTRUST IN ORDER TO SECURE A PLACE NEXT TO BOVO AND IRREVERSABLY DESTROY THIS TEAM
[3:20 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: HE IS A YETI CONSPIRATOR
[3:20 PM] Brian Mills: @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes Is there currently a plea bargain present?
[3:20 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: IF THERE IS A PLEA BARGAIN I WILL RESCIND ACCUSATIONS OF CORRUPTION
[3:21 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Considering how the FAKE & TOTALLY DISGUSTING outburst from the shady individual who keeps changing his name may have prejudiced the jury irreparably, I would be open to a plea deal. Did you have terms in mind?
[3:22 PM] Brian Mills: The ball is in your court Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes
[3:22 PM] Brian Mills: Any compassion would be kindly appreciated in my time of need
[3:22 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: We must make a joint statement of regret, apologizing and accepting responsibility for our actions
[3:22 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: it will be public
[3:23 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: for all to see and ridicule
[3:23 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: the matter will never again be discussed in the discord under penalty of trade
[3:23 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: whispers to second chair, turns and glances at the DA
[3:24 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: We accept these terms and are glad to bring this harrowing chapter in team history to a close.
[3:24 PM] Dr. Bovo: The DA exchanges a few words with his assistant
[3:27 PM] Dr. Bovo: Considering the extenuating circumstances of @Brian Mills 's alleged concussion coupled with the internal memo issued by the coach, I have agreed to reduce the penalty in this case from the aforementioned "Trade to the Yeti" to a more moderate public declaration of apology. Should the jury find the TWO defendants guilty, that is
[3:27 PM] Ardie Savea: This is my favorite thing ever
[3:28 PM] Ardie Savea: Ty for making me laugh everyone
[3:28 PM] Brian Mills: man, i stepped out of my exam and checked discord as i was walking to my car, i didnt know what was going on
[3:28 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: Our reputations are at stake and you laugh in our faces? I thought we were friends, Ben
[3:29 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: I went out of my way to call you a New Zealander
[3:29 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: :rage:
[3:29 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Yes, the two defendants, speculadora and paytonm34, shall enter guilty pleas in exchange for a public statement of regret and from this moment forward all are immune from charges stemming from the Season 6 Week 7 predictions.
[3:29 PM] Brian Mills: @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister i think this is where you ask me how i plead



[3:30 PM] Dr. Bovo: http://nsfl.jcink.net/index.php?showtopic=...ndpost&p=111274 :eyes:
[3:30 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: OBJECTION
[3:30 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: OBJECTION OBJECTION OBJECTION
[3:30 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: IMMATERIAL
[3:30 PM] Dr. Bovo: OBJECTION DENIED
[3:30 PM] Brian Mills: CORRUPTION
[3:30 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: OBJECTION
[3:30 PM] Ardie Savea: Hahahahahahaha
[3:31 PM] Ardie Savea: How the turn tables beaver
[3:31 PM] Dr. Bovo:
[3:31 PM] Brian Mills:

[3:31 PM] Dr. Bovo: lol
[3:31 PM] Brian Mills: i made that yesterday knowing it would come in handy at some point
[3:33 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: Two and only two members of NOLA (Poopyface Tomatonose and payton) have been found guilty of predicting Colorado to beat us last season.
[3:33 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: And nothing else.
[3:33 PM] Ardie Savea: Aaaaaand
[3:34 PM] Brian Mills: woah woah woah
[3:34 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: AND NOTHING ELSE
[3:34 PM] Brian Mills: we havent been found guilty.... yet
[3:34 PM] Ardie Savea: Tru
[3:34 PM] Dr. Bovo: the DA throws his chair against the wall
[3:34 PM] Dr. Bovo: MY OWN CHIEF PROSECUTOR
[3:35 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: I'M NOT ON TRIAL HERE
[3:36 PM] Dr. Bovo: @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister I would like to issue a motion to hereby place @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes on trial alongside @Poopyface Tomatonose and @Brian Mills , accused of the same aforementioned crime
[3:36 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: OBJECTION
[3:36 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: I would ask the honorable judge to place this DA in contempt of court.
[3:37 PM] Dr. Bovo: GASPS



[3:44 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: ALRIGHT BOYS
[3:46 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: ...and he was never heard from again
[3:50 PM] Dr. Bovo: rip



[4:00 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: I believe it is time for the jurors to convene
[4:00 PM] Dr. Bovo: no
[4:00 PM] Dr. Bovo: I want @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes added to the list of defendants first
[4:01 PM] Dr. Bovo: @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister what say you
[4:01 PM] Dr. Bovo: I will not sit by while WANTON CORRUPTION festers in my prosecution office
[4:02 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: objection, even if charges were brought against me I would not like to be tried alongside those jokesters as I have an ironclad defense to present
[4:05 PM] Dr. Bovo: :thinking:
[4:07 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: OVERRULED
[4:07 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: We are accused of the same crime. We are a team even in this. If there is a defense for one of us it applies to all
[4:07 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: THERE WILL BE NO ISOLATION
[4:08 PM] Dr. Bovo: The DA will adhere to the judgement of judge @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister(edited)
[4:08 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: that is untrue and I will not have you colorado worshippers drag me down with you
[4:09 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: I picked Colorado whilst blindly following the orders of our leader. Neither my alliegance nor my faith in him have ever faltered AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR ACCUSATIONS TO THE CONTRARY
[4:14 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: the traitor doth protest too much methinks
[4:15 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: Your lack of passion toward the matter only solidifies my belief that you are a soul-less, sociopathic Yeti sympathizer and conspirator who should be given a swift and painful punishment



[4:22 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: My final statement on the matter is this. I was following the advice of our leader. I should have known better than to believe the Yeti could have ever defeated us and for that reason I accept all of the blame. I state my regret.
[4:22 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: son, we play in a sim league that has walls and those walls have to be guarded by men like me. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Jaylon Broxton - if that's even your real name? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the betrayal and you curse my predictions. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that me picking the Yeti, while tragic, is what allowed us to win. And my predictions, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, allow us to win. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like allegiance, faith, and team. We use these words as the backbone of a career spent playing as a team. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rejoices and celebrates under the blanket of the very victories that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them! I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you obtain reverse-jinx powers and stand a post on my wall. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!
[4:29 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: If you picking against us equates to a win and you have not done so every single week of your career then you are a greater traitor than I could ever imagine possible
[4:31 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: alas, if only the intricacies of the reverse jinx were so simple
[4:32 PM] Dr. Bovo: @The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister bb pls the court room is in chaos



[4:41 PM] Brian Mills: If the judge doesn't show up in 15 minutes we are legally allowed to leave



[5:32 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: @Brian Mills @Poopyface Tomatonose @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes 12 hour ban from second line discord to be taken care of by the DA's office Ben
[5:32 PM] Ardie Savea: No u
[5:33 PM] The Honorable Judge Terrell Brister: They committed a disgusting crime
[5:36 PM] Dr. Bovo: alright I'm taking over this court
[5:36 PM] Dr. Bovo: precedence and juristiction be darned
[5:39 PM] Dr. Bovo: @Brian Mills @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes @Poopyface Tomatonose I am lumping all three of you into one group of defendants. This will be very good for my upcoming mayoral campaign. You may offer final defenses for your alleged crimes before we issue our ruling
[5:46 PM] Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes: my defense is simple: in my career New Orleans has only won one game when I have predicted a win, we have a far better record when I predict against us so I was happy to sacrifice my own personal TPE in that free correct prediction in order to give us the best possible chance of not losing to the disgusting Yeti
[5:47 PM] Dr. Bovo: scribbles furiously
[5:52 PM] Dr. Bovo: @Poopyface Tomatonose you may offer one closing remark before the jury that I bribed decides your fate
[5:53 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: My final statement on the matter is this. While I was following the advice of our leader, I should have known better than to believe the Yeti could have ever defeated us and for that reason I accept all of the blame. I state my regret.

As an aside, Beaver's case should not be considered a separate one. If he has the power to determine us winning and does not abuse that power to guide us he is no better than the rest of us.
[5:56 PM] Poopyface Tomatonose: @Dr. Bovo I would like to request an expedited hearing so this matter can be resolved before I go to the gym
[5:57 PM] Dr. Bovo: motion granted



[6:05 PM] Dr. Bovo: @Poopyface Tomatonose @Brian Mills @Chief Prosecutor Blackford Oakes I, Dr. Bovo Esquire, hereby find all three defendants GUILTY of conspiracy against NOLA. However, after considering numerous extenuating circumstances (including unofficial plea bargains, alleged concussions, moral dilemmas, and blind obedience), the typical punishment of "trade to the yeti" has been waived. Instead, all three defendants must serve 1000 community service hours providing humanitarian aid to needy Yeti communities. Alternatively, any and/or all of the defendants may instead opt write a formal public apology for choosing Yeti over NOLA and thus defaming NOLA in the eyes of the league. This public apology may be a joint statement with all three defendant's signatures if the defendants so wish. If the public apology is completed, the mandated 1000 community service hours punishment will be waived
[6:16 PM] Dr. Bovo: Today, on April 25, 2018 at approximately 6:13 PM EST, the case of NOLA vs. Mills was decided.

The case: Brian Mills was accused by Blackford Oakes of conspiracy and defamation against the NOLA organization.

The decision: Brian Mills, Jaylon Broxton, and Blackford Oakes all issued plea bargains that they were GUILTY of defamation against the NOLA organization.

This court is hereby adjourned.

-- BELOW ARE THE OFFICIALLY SUBMITTED APOLOGY NOTES FROM THE DEFENDANTS--












As most of you will soon be aware, I, Brian Mills, Linebacker for the New Orleans Second Line, has been tried for crimes against the organization.

My conspiracy charges, brought forward by Blackford Oakes, stem from the fact that I predicted that the Colorado Yeti would defeat the New Orleans Second Line in week 7 of the sixth regular season of the NSFL.



With the help of my defense attorney, Jaylon Broxton (the player formerly known as Poopyface Tomatonose) , we compiled a defense to present to the prosecutors. With the jury still not convinced that I had not committed the crimes under a proper state of mind, I decided to take a plea bargain and plea guilty to conspiracy against the New Orleans organization. The decision to take the plea bargain was not a decision made lightly. The initial charge of committing these crimes was to get traded to the Colorado Yeti and spend the rest of my career living in NSFL hell. Also, I did not want the trial to get postponed and get rescheduled at a later date, potentially ruining Borkus’ and Brister’s wedding with all of the drama. It was a decision that was best for the team, and for myself personally.

Predicting that the great Second Line would lose against the lowly Colorado Yeti, was a great embarrassment to not only the organization, but to the fans, and our beloved and all mighty Borkus. I promise to everyone involved, that I will never again predict the Yeti to win a simulated football game in the NSFL League. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did was not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

-Brian Mills
-Michael Scott

---------------------------------------------------------------

It’s embarrassing.

It’s embarrassing to be caught like this, to be caught in an act that looks at best like shocking stupidity and at worst like betrayal of your team, your city, your friends. However that is the situation I find myself in here today.

By this point you’ve probably heard about the latest scandal in the National Simulation Football League. On the 1st of March in the Year of Our Bork 2018, I submitted official predictions for Weeks 6 and 7 of Season 6 and in those predictions I selected the Colorado Yeti to beat the New Orleans Second Line.

I know. I can feel your jaw agape, your judgemental fury. How could anything think that Colorado is or was a superior team to New Orleans? Let alone someone on the team! I want you all to know how truly and deeply sorry I am for any mental anguish this has caused you. I know I have broken the trust of many and I will work in the future at repairing those relationships.

But there is a reason. As ridiculous as this may seem, I was doing it for the team. In my career, my team (the Las Vegas Legion and then the New Orleans Second Line) is 2-17 when I predict a victory and 2-5 when I predict a loss. I did the same last week when I knew we could defeat the San Jose Sabrecats and predicted against us to ensure it. As immensely embarrassing as it is to be seen in public predicting something as ridiculous as Colorado over New Orleans, it would have been far more embarrassing had New Orleans lost the game. I never would have forgiven myself if I predicted a victory for us and then we lost the game.



I do not ask for your forgiveness, merely your understanding, and I would like to state in clear, unequivocal terms: New Orleans is, was, and forever shall be a superior team to Colorado.

Please don’t trade me there.

Sincerely,

Blackford Oakes.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hello. I am Jaylon Broxton, safety for the New Orleans Second Line. By now, you are probably sick of hearing about the New Orleans Second Line and our embarrassing predictions boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this team. It will take a swat team to remove me from this team, and maybe not even then. There is no way I will retire. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to the good teammates I play with, not to our opponents, and especially not to me. Let’s not forget who this whole predictions scandal is about anyway. If I could leave you with one thought: remember, it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am cut, I swear to god every single prediction in this league is going to have the Yeti logo on it. The Yeti logo. You have one day.

Jaylon Broxton


All proceeds go, in equal amounts, toward the judge (Terrell Brister) and three defendants (Brian Mills, Blackford Oakes, Jaylon Broxton)
Apr 21 2018, 01:19 PM
Adjusted Attributes:
Speed (50 -> 52 1/2) +5 TPE

(MAX: 95) Strength: 80
(MAX: 75) Agility: 45
(MAX: 25) Arm: 1
(MAX: 75) Intelligence: 45
(MAX: 25) Throwing Accuracy: 1
(MAX: 90) Tackling: 50
(MAX: 75) Speed: 52 1/2
(MAX: 55) Hands: 25
(MAX: 25) Pass Blocking: 1
(MAX: 25) Run Blocking: 1
(MAX: 100) Endurance: 60
(MAX: 25) Kick Power: 1
(MAX: 25) Kick Accuracy: 1
Apr 21 2018, 01:18 PM
Adjusted Attributes:
Speed (76 -> 77) +5 TPE

(MAX: 85) Strength: 70
(MAX: 85) Agility: 55
(MAX: 25) Arm: 1
(MAX: 85) Intelligence: 50
(MAX: 25) Throwing Accuracy: 1
(MAX: 95) Tackling: 70
(MAX: 85) Speed: 77
(MAX: 55) Hands: 30
(MAX: 25) Pass Blocking: 1
(MAX: 25) Run Blocking: 1
(MAX: 100) Endurance: 65
(MAX: 25) Kick Power: 1
(MAX: 25) Kick Accuracy: 1
Apr 12 2018, 06:13 PM
Player Information

Username:
First Name: Creed
Last Name: Bratton
Position: LB
College:
Birthdate:
Handedness: Right
Recruited By:
Jersey Number: 42
Height (ft.): 6'5"
Weight (lbs.): 265lbs
Birthplace: Scranton, PA
Player Archetype: Balanced (Eg. Luke Kuechly, Sean Lee)

Player Attributes

TPE Available: 0
(MAX: 85) Strength: 70
(MAX: 85) Agility: 55
(MAX: 25) Arm: 1
(MAX: 85) Intelligence: 50
(MAX: 25) Throwing Accuracy: 1
(MAX: 95) Tackling: 70
(MAX: 85) Speed: 77
(MAX: 55) Hands: 30
(MAX: 25) Pass Blocking: 1
(MAX: 25) Run Blocking: 1
(MAX: 100) Endurance: 65
(MAX: 25) Kick Power: 1
(MAX: 25) Kick Accuracy: 1
Apr 12 2018, 06:11 PM
Player Information

Username:
First Name: Kevin
Last Name: Malone
Position: DT
College: Michigan State
Birthdate:
Handedness: Right
Recruited By:
Jersey Number: 69
Height (ft.): 6'5"
Weight (lbs.): 320 lbs.
Birthplace: Scranton, PA
Player Archetype: Run Stuffer (Eg. Damon Harrison, Dontari Poe)

Player Attributes

TPE Available: 0
(MAX: 95) Strength: 80
(MAX: 75) Agility: 45
(MAX: 25) Arm: 1
(MAX: 75) Intelligence: 45
(MAX: 25) Throwing Accuracy: 1
(MAX: 90) Tackling: 50
(MAX: 75) Speed: 52 1/2
(MAX: 55) Hands: 25
(MAX: 25) Pass Blocking: 1
(MAX: 25) Run Blocking: 1
(MAX: 100) Endurance: 60
(MAX: 25) Kick Power: 1
(MAX: 25) Kick Accuracy: 1
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